I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
