listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
