Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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