i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
