I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
