Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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