I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
