I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
