In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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