I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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