I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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