Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
