no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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