i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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