Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
