I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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