awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm way too hungover for life right now
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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