I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
