I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
