i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
