Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
