No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
