Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
