sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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