I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
