How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
