Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
