Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
