My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
