every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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