This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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