Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
