i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
