Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
