there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
