I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
