I wannas sexs uuuuu
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i came on her dog
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
