i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
