I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
