Screwed.edu
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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