I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
