I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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