I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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