She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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