you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
