I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
