I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
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