I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
