I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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