I wish I could teleport
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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