Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
