GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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