and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
