oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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