The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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