So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
