There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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