i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
