her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
