wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize