Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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