I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
