i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
...so i touched it.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
