I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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