The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize