the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We are two peas in an std pod
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
